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My Worst Fear

I've successfully blogged for a week straight! When I signed up for this challenge I was nervous, I knew this challenge would push me. I also knew that it would help me grow as a blogger. It's been really fun to see what other bloggers have written, and the different approaches that people have taken to the same prompt. Surprisingly, I'm not feeling burnt out at all. It is nice knowing what to write about, and thinking about how I want to tackle each topic, and how I can make it my own.

Today's topic is "the thing(s) you're most afraid of."

I could have listed many of my fears. Like spiders. I have actually had a full blown panic attack because of a spider. (Maybe I'll share that little gem of a story sometime). Or earthquakes. Why do I live in San Francisco you ask? Good question. I don't want to talk about it.   But today, I'll talk about the one thing that scares me more than anything else. Losing someone I love.

I am extremely close with my family. We have ongoing group texts, and I see them as much as possible. My relationships with family, friends, and Andrew are the most important things in my life. The thought of suddenly losing one of them is unbearable.

In August, just before my Junior year of college, my Mom had a stroke. It was the absolute scariest phone call I have ever gotten. I remember very vividly standing at the top of the stairs in my parents living room and my Dad telling me to sit down. I could hear the concern in his voice. My grandmother, who was about 95 at the time, was in the hospital, and I feared her health had gotten worse. Then hearing my Dad say that my mom was in the hospital was like getting hit by a train. Thankfully, today my mom is perfectly healthy. But I am very protective of her now, and she has to remind me not to treat her like she is fragile.

Finding out about my Moms stroke was so scary. I am so thankful that my mom is healthy and her stroke wasn't as serious as I initially feared. But because of that experience, I know how terrifying the thought of losing someone is. Let alone, actually losing them. Two very important people in my life have lost a parent. I often wonder how a person comes out of that and moves on. It seems impossible. My heart aches thinking about the emptiness that would cause.

Sadly, in the past few years, my family has experienced great loss. Cancer has taken its toll on both my Mom's side of the family, as well as my Dad's. 2012 was the first of 6 years that we didn't lose a loved one. You would think this has given me some kind of insight, or knowledge on how to deal with death and grief. But it doesn't make it any easier.

I don't think there is a way to prepare for losing someone you love. When my 97 year old Gram passed peacefully, it was still heart wrenching. I knew she had a full and amazing life. But selfishly, I wanted more time with her. Saying goodbye is never easy, and it terrifies me thinking about the possibility of saying goodbye to someone I love.

Nothing can prepare us for what tomorrow brings, which is part of what makes life so wonderful and terrifying at the same time. It's horrifying to think of losing someone I love, and I hope that it remains just a fear.

Now I'll wipe these tears off my face, go home and call my family, give Andrew a few extra kisses, and tell all my friends how wonderful they all are.



1 comment:

  1. Losing a loved one is one of the scariest things to me. I sometimes get scared that it will happen so quickly and I won't be able to see them before it happens, but then thinking of having to watch them go through some sickness and be completely helpless in the situation makes me sick. It's just so incredibly difficult.


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