A lot has happened since I have posted and I wanted to catch you up and document things here so I have a place to come back and revisit this time. I'm pretty sure only 5 people read my blog and I'm related to almost all of them, so this is mostly for me. But time and time again, I find myself wishing I hadn't given up on blogging, so I've decided to release all the pressure to be a "blogger" or "influencer" and post only for a creative outlet and what makes me happy.
*trigger warning, miscarriage...*
Shortly after I stopped posting last fall, we found out we were expecting and were so excited to grow our family. It was a really bright spot during an otherwise really difficult year. I'm not sure if it was intuition or what, but I found myself taking a pregnancy test every day wanting the line to get darker (not something I worried about at all with Graham) and unfortunately, I miscarried early on at about 6 weeks. It was really hard to understand especially after such a smooth pregnancy with Graham. I felt very alone and like I couldn't talk about it, or mostly didn't know how to talk about it. I did have a couple very close girlfriends who have also experienced a loss so that was invaluable having their support. I really only mention it now in case one person reads this and feels less alone, and like it is okay to talk about and ask for support. It was a really confusing and emotional experience for me. I felt like I couldn't be sad because I do have a healthy, wonderful toddler, when so many women continue to struggle to conceive at all. It was hard to unpack and understand all the feelings I was having. I tried to just believe that my body knew what was best, which did help some. I placed a lot of hope in the fact I was able to carry Graham and that I would be able to have another successful pregnancy.
My doctor said we needed to wait at least one cycle before we could try again to let my body recover and reset. And just before Thanksgiving we found out that I was expecting again. This time, I was mostly just filled with anxiety. Worried each time I used the bathroom I would see blood, or question any little cramp or twinge. I was so anxious to get to 8 weeks so I could see the doctor and know that everything was alright. Basically the first several weeks I just held my breath and waited for the other shoe to drop. I did notice more symptoms right away than I remembered from my pregnancy with Graham. We had Thanksgiving just the three of us because of Covid, and I cooked the full feast because I'm a sucker for tradition. I felt like I got ran over by a truck for the following few days after standing in the kitchen so long. The same thing happened again around Christmas. Just pure exhaustion. I took that as a good sign, but again didn't want to get my hopes up until we had an ultrasound.
Of course, my doctor ended up having to push my appointment out a week, so it wasn't until I was 9 weeks along that we finally got to go in. It was a day I'm sure neither of us will forget. I'll do another post with all the details, but we found out not only did everything look good, there were TWO healthy babies. Thankfully, at that doctor Andrew was allowed to come in with me even with Covid, so he was there the moment we found out. We were both so shocked we couldn't stop laughing. It was so overwhelming, all the logistical pieces that go through your head. My Dad's mom was a twin, so it feels like a special connection to her that I will experience raising twins.
By now, I'm already 30 weeks along and everything is going well! They're both growing at the same rate and will hopefully stay put until at least 38 weeks! Besides some lower back pain which I've been able to manage with chiropractic care, I'm doing pretty well. The second trimester was especially good to me. I can't believe how fast it's going, and how much left we have to do to get ready! More to come on pregnancy!
Since until recently we were still pretty isolated due to Covid, there haven't been a lot of other updates. In early March, Andrew and I were so thankful to both get our first dose of the Covid vaccine. By mid-April we were both fully vaccinated and my anxiety around events and seeing people went way down. I realized how much it has been weighing on me and it feels SO GOOD to have a light at the end of the tunnel and getting closer to our old way of life. Especially family and friends, we've so missed that. Thankfully the majority of our family and friends are also vaccinated, so it feels safe to see them again. I am so thankful for the scientists that worked so hard to create these vaccines and thankful for those who I've followed the past year that answered my questions and gave me confidence in the vaccine, especially getting it while pregnant. Knowing that the twins will be born with antibodies is such a peace of mind, plus they'll continue to get it through my breastmilk.
Another recent big change is that Graham started preschool. It's been such a transition and way harder for me than I expected, but he's doing great. Our friends that also have twins with an older son suggested we get him all set up in a routine at preschool before the twins arrive, and I knew it was a good idea. Until the morning after I dropped him off his first day, I had no anxiety or worries. But as soon as I walked back to the car I cried. Then I found out he was having a hard day and crying for me and I was a total wreak. Crying in my office all day wondering if we made the right choice and how we'd make it through this transition. After only two days, he was totally fine and loves "real preschool" and is doing very well. Even going potty at school all by himself! Of course, after only three days he brought home a cold that turned into a mild ear infection he passed on to Mom. Thankfully Dad stayed healthy and managed to care for all of us for a few days. I'm sure it will take a while for our bodies to get used to those preschool germs.
In the midst of all this, we've also been house hunting during the most insane housing market in years. We've put offers on over 10 houses and lost many to cash offers even at about the same offer price. A few were especially heartbreaking in our favorite neighborhood and after writing letters to the seller pouring our hearts out. We really wanted to be moved and settled by now, but are still keeping our eyes out for the right place. I really struggle with looking back with regret which I know doesn't help, but we passed on a few houses last Fall when we first started looking because I was being very picky. And of course now I'd do anything to be in those houses! For the price we could have paid at that time. Now we'll be getting a lot less for our money, but hoping to still get into one of our more desired areas. But it's looking like that might not even be possible. It's been an extremely exhausting and emotionally draining process and we often want to give up. But we also want to feel settled and have a place of our own, especially knowing this market isn't going to change soon. I'll be sure to keep you updated if we have any exciting announcements, but so far it's been mostly one disappointment after another.
So I think that pretty much catches you up on all the big updates from the past 6 months or so. A lot of BIG changes for our family. Looking forward to connecting more! I have several posts drafted and a ton of ideas for things I want to write about.
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